Glittersmacked

Antlers are the new Black

2007-06-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

They give you that whole "woodsey" look, ye gnew?

Haute Mess

2007-06-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

The logo for the London 2012 Summer Olympic Games has just been unveiled. Smashing! Worth every one of the 800,000 or so dollars paid to the artistic consulting firm comissioned to produce it. N'est pas?

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Somewhat shockingly, early reports indicate that - far from being hailed as a logo which unites Britons in the spirit of the games - the loud, pink logo above has succeeded only in uniting them in utter condemnation. Riot police have been dispatched all across the city, as men and women alike leave work in droves to join impromptu street protests.

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"Bollocks!!", screams 52-year old Lynne Grainger, as she hurls an empty gin bottle towards the Japanese embassy.

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"I get out of France to escape the headscarf ban, and now this?! I'm gone. This is the end of the road for me," says Fatima Mahmoud as she boards a plane for her native Algiers.

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"We've had enough of this nonsense! Enough! Fuck the Kyoto pact!", screams a group of angry teens on a looting and burning rampage in Picadilly circus.

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The Prime Minister's Office could not be reached for comment.

Haute Homeless

2007-06-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago, Dior designer John Galliano sent shockwaves through the fashion world when he unveiled a haute couture collection that was inspired by the clothing of Parisian vagrants. "Haute Homeless" featured models dressed in newspaper, strutting down the aisle carrying bottles of booze, and shouting obscenities at photographers and spectators who had come to see the show.

Likely among those who wish they could have witnessed this modern masterpiece is Jeff Ferrell. Mr. Ferrell, tenured professor in criminal justice at Northern Arizona University, resigned from his tenured post two years ago so he and his wife Karen could try living out of dumpsters for a while. "[H]e was aware of the subculture of people who manage to survive on what others throw away. He wanted to find out how they do it, where they look, and whether he could live that way, too," reports ths Globe and Mail. Prof. Ferrell says: "What I found was that I could be almost 100 per cent dependent on what I scrounged except for food. I even discovered an entire collection of haute couture quality clothing in amongst the rubbish."

Life imitating art imitating life? Que Profundo.

Forget the Flowers. Say it with Size 204 Shoes

2007-05-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

Count on the Latin Americans. When outgoing socialist Ecuadoran president Jose Miguel aka "Juevos" Macamba immodestly remarked that his successor, Ramon Perez, had very big shoes to fill, he made sure his supporters were behind him. A pair of gigantic shoes were crafted and marched into the capital city by anti-Perez demonstrators shouting "Stamp out tyranny! Viva la Bolivarian Revolution".

If only peaceful protests in Canada smacked of this much glitter, I'm sure we'd be a far happier and prosperous nation. Alas, the crafting of size 204 shoes seems to be a bit of a lost art.

Goitre Bird

2007-05-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

This is NOT an animal you want to meet down a dark alley. Supentius camelus to our friends in the scientific community, or "goitre bird" to the layman, this cock-a-too is sure to kick your ass at more than Chinese Checkers. Biiiitch!

Event Alert: Milan's 4th Annual International Lamp and Table Fair

2007-04-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

'Orc' is the new 'Grunge'

2007-04-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Check out the style on this cat.

What a Loveseat!

2007-03-31T20:18:00.000-07:00

Surrealism is back! And better than ever. According to our friends in the magical world of interiors, this incredibly bitchin couch, and others like it, is the centrepiece extraordinare of the contemporary and contemporaneously torqued home. Urbanite homeowners everywhere are practically falling over each other at trendy interior shops, snatching up lobster-handset phones, tables that stick to the ceiling, pyramidal "beach balls", and TV-shaped lamps.

Yes, spring is in the air. It's time to throw caution to the wind, cast your Ikea furniture into the firepit, and kiss your interiors-inhibitions goodbye.

Pucker up!

Liberation!

2007-03-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

Gaultier delivers, and just in time for Spring. I think I speak for us all when I say "Thank God all those letters to Amnesty International were not sent in vain."

Our pleas have been heard; our prayers answered. Finally, after more than 15 years of wind-breaking nylon, spirit-crushing rayon, and ethically dubious furs from Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, we have a Spring outfit that really breathes.

No matter that this particular outfit would send the average Canadian female running into the nearest Tom Hortons - I mean...ahem, Holt Renfrew - for fear of imminent hypothemia, and/or an embarrasing nip-on. Or that it would not allow one to speak, eat, or blow one's nose. Such trivialities need no longer concern las fashionistas modernas; after all, our niqab-clad sistas have been rocking outfits that proscribe the use of the mouth and nose for years. Centuries!

Nay, this is an outfit that really liberates. That sits up and screams "tooooorqued".

...At least as loud as one can scream with a paper snowflake lodged in the throatal.

Vote for your Favourite

2007-03-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

7 to 10 Passages

2007-03-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

From the programme for The Forsythe Company's recent performance in Ottawa:

The work '7 to 10 Passages' represents one of the final stages of the 20-year project, 'The Questioning of Robert Scott', which resulted in 7 radically different productions. Focused on the fallibility of perception and memory, each successive production relied on the fact that dance does not product an adjacent literature that defines and represents its position in the historical landscape of culture; scores, if you will, that are universally recognized and secure the authentic reproduction of works. The work adopts the view that the failure of a dance to become historically substantive might finally be an incumbent form of its successful functioning. '7 to 10 Passages' offers a slow, hallucinatory archaeology of the 20 years process of the works disappearance.

Or, in a more accurate description, they might have written, "After the auditorium has been blasted with screeching, repetitive, post-industrial, nightmare-inducing "music", 6 dancers will walk like paraplegics at an infinitesimally slow speed from the back of the stage to the front. While this is taking place, the audience will be treated to a completely nonsensical argument taking place between 2 sets of dancers seated at stage left and stage right, which crescendos into an anxiety-ridden screaming of 'SAID THE MONSTER! AND THEN THE MONSTER SAID! SAID THE MONSTER'".

Futuristic, fantastic post-schmegmaticism at its very, very best. Book the Forsythe Company at your local theatre today!

Product Alert: "Kathryn" at Jimmy Choo

2007-03-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

The god of the shoe delivers another miracle: "Kathryn", known in less civilized circles as "The Bitch in Heat". A heel that somehow says "Luftwaffe" without the facist connotations. This grained goat shoe with a 85mm heel features criss-cross detail at the toe and ankle, self-warming soles, auto-locking straps, and a sunroof. Those with a weak pancreas need not apply.

Silky Banai!

2007-03-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

Surf's Up

2007-03-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

Today's International Herald Tribune reports that those tenacious, tolerant, and ever-inventive Aussies are well on their way to this year's shortlist for the Nobel. In fact, they may score the regular award and the Peace Prize for the very same innovation. Behold: the Burqini.

For any female who's attempted to swim the 100 metre wearing loose-fitting sackcloth, it's hard not to think of this little number as the best thing since sliced bread. You retain all the modesty of the burqa, while gaining rapidly increased mobility in the water at the same time. The added flare and fashion, not to mention originality in style at the local beach, is sure to get heads turning.

Diva work!!

Trendsetters

2007-03-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

Talk about a fully pimped outfit, this Victorian judge is ready to bouce, trounce, and pronounce judgement on yo' black ass. Notice how nicely the three quarter profile accentuates the chest garland, "duotang", and headpiece? Surely no accident. These cats know how to throw an outfit together. Galliano eat your heart out!

Dark and Dreary? Nunsense!!

2007-02-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

Well we all know sistas can work the runway as well, if not better, than anyone. But then, we're usually referring to charming little numbers like Lakisha Jones when we use the term "sistas".

According to Silvia Evangelisti, author of the soon-to-be-released "Nuns: A History of Convent Life", 16th and 17th century sistas in the habit, ie nuns, were just as glam. Far from the pious, spartan, somewhat lonely lifestyles we usually associate with the cloistered, many of these ladies were fully torqued. They were independent, jolly, productive, and determined. They wrote, painted, put on theatrical shows, sang, and ran their own communities. Many enjoyed political influence through well connected family members and friends in the aristocracy. Others helped shepherd the commoners by giving lessons at school, conducting delinquent youth hip-hop/R&B bands, campaigning against the Kyoto pact, etc.

And, of course, they were fashionistas. Part of the reason young girls flocked to convents in Florence and Milan (half of all female elites in Florence lived in convents between 1500 and 1800) was because that was where all the best artisans lived. Although confined to habits and burqa-esque sackcloth most of the time, many were able to commission work from tailors and fashion houses in the city. They had tapestries on their walls, embroidered pillows, books and guitars. A Mother Superior in Milan even had her own set of designer hunting rifles!

Evangelisti argues that the modern, liberated female owes a huge debt of gratitude to the convents of old. As the only place a pre-industrial western European woman could avoid the yoke of a husband and family, get educated, and learn to bust a groove on the turntables, the convent was essentially the birthplace and repository of women's lib for centuries.

From this we can draw two conclusions, both somewhat paradoxical in nature:

(1) The proliferation of Christianity across the developing world may be working wonders for cultivating global gender parity.

(2) Westerners should both lament the fall in female vocations in their own countries and consider a law mandating that all militant dykes don some uber-glam sackcloth and join a convent.

Afro

2007-02-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

An afro, sometimes called a "del toro" or shortened to "fro (desiac)", is a hairstyle in which the hair extends out from the bare head like a halo, cloud or cheeseball. This may or may not include wearing such afros long, to several times the diameter of the cranial region. An afro usually requires curly hair and often, but not always, "Afro textured hair", which typically people of indigenous African descent naturally have, hence the nahm.

Archaeologists agree that the ancient Egyptians were known at times to wear their hair "wooly". Thus, their culture is an example of a "Fro-phillic" or "Pro-Fro" society. The ancient Nerubs, on the other hand, did not tolerate afros of any kind, and have been classified as "Fro-Phobic" or "Anti-Jemima".

Anyone of any ethnic background, however, is capable of acquiring an afro if they have curly hair and enough willpower. The naturally kinky, or those endowed with spiraling, tightly coiled curls (not to be confused with bubes) can achieve an afro by first braiding the hair, then separating the coils using an afro pick. The afro pick is a fickle thing, resembling a narrow comb with long, widely spaced teeth, and therefore should only be used under proper supervision.

In short: if you can rock the afro, rock the afro. But don't say you weren't warned.

Fashionisms: Part Deux

2007-02-07T01:38:00.000-08:00

A) "What a fabulous melage, wasn't it?! Simultaneously space-age, and retro...and Barbie! And the genius, really, right there...don't you think? In that simultaneity, I mean. It really is. I mean, it really, really is. Gorgeous."

B) "Velvet. Victorian. Almost like a re-printed tart. The kind you'd find in some backwater like Sheffield. Ruffled necklines that we saw collapsed, but somehow not lazy. I'm not quite sure how he pulled it off, but it was very modern, very sheik, very sexy".

C) "Oh he's SUCH a nomad, isn't he? But somehow a bit of a post-modern cowboy at the same time. And did you notice the corsets? The way the ripples almost descended off the bodice. I think it was a kind of commentary on the Victorian ideal versus the late 21st century 'Golgi' body".

D) "The message here is: fasteners. It's about owning your own destiny. It's about "pinning up" instead of "putting up".

E) "How can I put this to you in a way you'll understand...Throwing a pebble into a pond is a very violent act. But it's still feminine, and beautiful. Much more so than one might imagine".

Fashionisms

2007-02-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

Match the picture above with the correct quote
=================================

N.B these should all be read with a posh British accent

A) "Sort of Gothic, with a hint of melodrama and executed with a poise that was almost...revolutionary".

B) "The message here is: bags. And when I say bags I don't just mean 'bags'. I mean full, floppy, full-bodied, hole-in-one, grandpa's-hernia, character pieces that really do say something about who we are, where we've been, and the problem of global warming".

C) "There was something Gaussian about it. Something like a silent scream. Like Juliette or Guinevere or Strom Thurmond before he really came into his own. I loved it. Absolutely gorgeous".

D) "Well, what you notice immediately are the references to the French revolution. He's hinting at high collars and crosses and using subtleties in the fabric that immediately make you think of...oh, I don't know... gooseberry jam".

E) "What I realized today is: he's not a designer, he's a conjurer. A dream maker. Someone who can almost see the unseen, weave mist into fabric, make The Economist read like Playboy. Do you know what I mean?"

F) "There really aren't any suitable adjectives in English to describe what we just saw. One can only really draw on the German here. Aufbazen. Yes, that seems to fit best. It was aufbazen. Almost iridescently so!"

Oaky Love

2007-02-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

Alright so I've been deriding amateur wine connoisseurs for years now. People that smell the cork, swirl the wine in the glass, examine the wine's "legs" and ascribe all manner of completely random adjectives to the wine's flavour (or "texture", "body" etc). One of the most often used of these adjectives is "oaky". As in, "I do declare! Hints of black cherries with an oaky well-roundedness" . Well, maybe not that pretentious; I tend to avoid drinking with people that take it that far, but there have been a few.

So today when I picked up a new bottle of wine at the LCBO, I wasn't expecting anything approaching oaky. I mean, I don't even believe in oaky. I'd like to. But only in the same way I'd like to believe that the Notorious B.I.G is still living large, pimping hoes somewhere in the Caribbean.

Imagine my surprise then, when I poured a glass and discovered that there was a very distinct flavour of wood in the wine I had selected. "Hmm...it's almost...

...could it be?"

I grabbed the bottle and read the label on the back: "Full-bodied, firm, and tannic with boisonberry and black currant flavours". Blah blah blah, the usual trash. And then, there it was:

"Oak barrel aging mellows the wine, allowing it to be enjoyed now or cellared to enhance its qualities".

Booyak. I almost felt like Colombus.

The Future has Arrived!

2007-01-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Ode to the Duck-Billed Platypus

2007-01-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

Ornithorhynchus anatinus
In all
Yo Spenda
Is a good alternative to sugar
For people like Vicki Zettel
In all
Her Spenda

They say you're evolutionary
Or even 'revoltionary'
All I know is
It's fun to pinch the skin
that hangs off
Your elbows

So when I'm up shit creek
Without a paddle
I take comfort
Knowing that you too
Display a birthmark
When you "duckdive"

Women Not Girls

2007-01-21T01:39:00.000-08:00

I'm a Student...and a Writer...

2007-01-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

In addition to the classic elements provided by Dawin Misha and her mom, look out for Paula's smile at 1:14. This is pure gold.

The Jay-Z Ugly Posse

2007-01-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

Alright, in honour of his Golden Globes appearance last night, I just have to. Found this on thebitterblog.com, so all credit for this hilarity goes there. Just has to be shared.
.....

Now I am sure there are some ugly guys out there, but Jay-z has got be one of the ugliest mothas around.

In tribute to Jay-z’s ugliness here is the “Jay-z Ugly Posse”.

1. Born and raised out of the badlands of Utah, Brian-z, aka sir Gay-z, worked hard to beat himself with the ugly stick, making this first spot in the Jay-z ugly posse.

2. Next Ted-z, who is scared of the dark, loves the outdoors, hates getting his picture taken and loves late night walks, he fills the second spot in Jay-z’s posse very nicely.

3. Third we have Jessica-z, this dumb-ass hoodrat used to date Jay-z, before deciding that she was too pretty to be rollin with an ugly thug like Jay-z.

4. Next we have one of Jay-z’s closest homie, Sloth-z, this bad ass sloth loves crackers and Big Pimpin’.

5. Then we got Jay-z’s best friend, his only dogg, dogg-z, good doggy – good doggy.

6. Last but not least, the ring-leader of this ugly show, Jay-z, who is most notably known for dating Beyonce.

In a Word: Blottoed

2007-01-13T03:35:00.000-08:00

The first 40 seconds are nothing short of pure gold.

My personal favourite line: "You know what? [eyes glaze over] It is what it is and it was...ba-rilliant".

'Appalling plight' of super-fat pigs

2007-01-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

This just in from the BBC...

'Appalling plight' of super-fat pigs

The rearing of grossly overweight pigs in Taiwan for ritual slaughter has been condemned by animal welfare groups.

They said it was time to end the annual "Pigs of God" contests that revolved around the force-feeding of animals to see which could achieve the greatest mass.

Pigs weighing in excess of 900 kilograms have been reported.

The animals, which are incapable of standing, are dragged in front of thousands of people before having their throats cut.

Yar!

2006-12-19T00:31:00.000-08:00

"Storys of Wassail"
by Saxo the Learned

When he had done these things and gone back to his own land, one Skat entertained him at a banquet, desireous to mingle his toilsome warfare with joyous lisence. Forde was lying in his house, in royal fashion, upon cushions of cloth of gold, and a certain Hunding challenged him to fight. Then, though he had bent his mind to the joys of Wassail (Wassail!). he had more delight in the prospect of a fray than in the presence of a feast, and would up the supper with a duel and the duel with a triumph.

Which is More Classic? I Can't Decide.

2006-12-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

Yar!

2006-12-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

Goat Glitter

2006-12-12T17:38:00.000-08:00

(From an email I received today)
A gift of a goat, a donkey, a chicken, a Gift of Peace
or women's training can make all the difference in the
life of a family in a developing country. It can
provide a source of independent income.
http://www.oxfamunwrapped.ca/

Popo-done

2006-12-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

Crushed

2006-12-01T23:53:00.000-08:00

The Silver Swan

2006-11-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

The Silver Swan
Orlando Gibbons (1538-1627)
==================

The Silver Swan who, living, had no note,
When death approached, unlocked her silent throat.
Leaning her breast against the reedy shore,
Thus sung her first and last,
And sung no more:

"Farewell all joys, O death come close mine eyes.
More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise."

Quick Quiz

2006-11-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

1. The Indian city of Bangalore recently changed its name to

a) Bengalooru
b) Bangaschmool
c) Bengadhal
d) Bengaboys
e) Dherminal Dhoo

2. A "bube" (pronounced Byoob), is:

a) An insect that feeds on dung
b) A nickname for those with the last name Bubis
c) A short body hair that looks like a pubic hair
d) A boil-like eruption on the skin

3. The moves in Tai Chi all have whacked out names

Which of the following is NOT one of them:

a) Push Needle at Sea Bottom
b) Fan Penetrates Through Back
c) Go Back to Ward Off Monkey
d) Fair Maiden Works Shuttle
e) Crafting the Pei Pa

4. Where am I in this picture:

a) Vietnam
b) Thailand
c) The Philippines
d) India
e) Ottawa

Absolute Trash

2006-11-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

Keeping Abreast

2006-10-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

The words “probate exception” do not titillate. And yet a saucy, decade-long legal battle over a fortune of nearly half a billion dollars hinges on this clause, which deals with the boundaries between state and federal courts in estate disputes. At issue is whether Vickie Lynn Marshall, a former Playboy pin-up and exotic dancer better known as Anna Nicole Smith, will get anything from the estate of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall, an oil tycoon with assets estimated at $1.6 billion.

On May 1st, Ms Smith won an important victory. Although her inheritance remains uncertain, the United States Supreme Court (no less) unanimously ruled that she could pursue her case in federal court. One suspects the justices were enjoying themselves, for once.

The details of the case have kept the tabloids busy. Marshall met Ms Smith when he was wheeled into the Texas strip club where she was dancing. After a courtship of a few years, full of expensive gifts (such as $2m in jewellery) and pricier promises, the two were married in 1994. She was 26, he was 89. Fourteen months later, Marshall dropped dead of a heart attack, leaving nothing to Ms Smith in his will.

The dispute has seen the inside of five courthouses since 1995, when Ms Smith first sued Marshall's son, E. Pierce Marshall, in a Texas state court, accusing him of cutting her off from the estate. She insists that Marshall promised her half his fortune. His son, seething at what he considers Ms Smith's gold-digging (he calls her “Miss Cleavage”), argued that Marshall had already given her $6m in gifts and did not intend to leave her more. Ms Smith got nothing from her first lawsuit, but was awarded $475m in a federal bankruptcy ruling in California in 2000. A federal district court judge cut this award to $89m, and then a US appeals court ruled that the issue was not a federal matter.

The Supreme Court justices, who heard arguments in February, have not weighed in on the merits of Ms Smith's case. Indeed the buxom blonde, who sniffled disingenuously during the hearings, has hardly been a sympathetic figure. The court's opinion, written by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, is a technical one that measures the scope of the probate exception. It leaves to state courts the probate or annulment of a will and the administration of an estate. This puts Marshall's estate back into play, and ensures that bitter legal wrangling will stretch on for years.

There's Hope for us Yet

2006-10-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

The Clouds Have Parted

2006-10-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

So you know the score...the run around, the bullshit, the "can I help you"s. Clothes shopping. Every man's nightmaare. And don't hand me any of that crap about the homo fashionista. Because I will not deal. I just won't. The fact is that I have not had a positive clothes shopping experience in...forever. Until today.

I have two words for you: Value Village. Which in turn brings me to one word: Mecca. At least if you're attending a party where the dress code is "whacky and tacky" and you're looking to go full blown. But even if you're not, this place is this shizznazz. The only workers are illiterate Armenian Jews with no confidence in the English language, the clothes are vintage and strictly classic. I scored the most rocked-out, booyak outfit ever (see picture: I'm the one in the middle). And didn't have to deal with any hassles in the process of securing it. Except for the uphill, against-the-wind, bullshit bike ride required to get there. But I digress.

(don't you just despise people who use the expression "but I digress"? I do.)

Mission accomplished. And done.

Beyond done.

The clouds have parted.

A postmodern masterpiece.

4 AM

2006-10-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

New Kakade album out as of last week. It's called "Love Mysterious", which is pretty lame, but, as always, Kaskade has put out some great tracks. Classified as "dance" (which I don't think should classify anything except that crap we used to listen to in the early/mid 90s e.g. Black Box, Snap, BKS, C and C Music Factory), its more like House/Lounge. A few downtempo tracks but mostly deep house with lots of vocals and acoustic sounds mixed in. Saw him live in Osaka: incredible.

Favourite tracks off the album so far: 4AM and Stars Align. You can check out snipits on the iTunes music page. A lot of Kaskade's other stuff is available either there or the file sharing networks, but right now the only place to get the whole album is on iTunes. Tracks from earlier albums I recommend: Steppin' Out, It's You It's Me, Seeing Julie, Heartbeat.

Kaskade, baby: Check it out.

Vacuum Sealed

2006-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

"Ok now I'm going to show you the movement. Please just watch the first time around".

We all know why she says 'please' like that. Rainbow's going to ignore her and try and do it anyway. She always does. Without fail. I think Julia's a bit exasperated. I try not to look. But it's like a car accident: grizzly, but you can't help yourself.

Rainbow Modesto Glittersmacks is in her mid 70s. She's got frizzy grey hair about shoulder length and a face with more wrinkles than an elephant's ass. She's thin. Rail thin. Her hips are thin too, but there's an inordinately large amount of flesh on her bottom. It looks wierd. From the back it's almost like she's wearing a diaper. From the front, you can tell she isn't.

I'm not even sure if she likes Tai Chi. After the first couple of classes I overheard her complaining about how there isn't enough focus on the breathing, how yoga is much better, blah blah blah. But there she is, every class, without fail.

If it were me I'd cut my losses. She is, by far, the worst in the class. At numerous points in the set she'll be facing the wrong way, or moving the wrong hand, or just totally clueless about where to move next. I've come close to explosive laughter at least a few times. Maybe it would help if she actually watched the teacher do the movement first instead of trying to do it straight away. But no.

I really believe that if it were just the frustrating way she ignores the teacher, or the fact that she sucks and is distracting, or the fact that she wears a Helly Hanson jacket and thinks she's 23, or even the daiper-butt, I'd be able to deal with Ms. Rainbow Modesto Glittersmacks. Alas, it is not only these things that make it difficult to deal.

From day one, Rainbow has elected to wear form-fitting active wear. Very form fitting, and on a form most would not want to have to fit. I've often wondered if she isn't trying to vacuum seal her body in an effort to preserve freshness. Because each and every protruding bone, curve, and flap of skin is in full view. Thus, one of the regular features of my morning Tai Chi classes is a full blown 70+ camel toe. Full blown. And there's not a soul in the class who doesn't notice it.

Now I know that the achievement of a flowing, meditative state is an important goal for the Tai Chi initiate, but let me tell you, if your class features Rainbow Modesto Glittersmacks a.k.a the Toe, you're going to need a helluva lot more practice time. I wonder if Julia has a plan of attack. Or if I should try to formulate one.

Any suggestions?